If you know someone who has an eating disorder, here are some ways that you can help:
- Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about disordered eating, including the signs, symptoms, risk factors, etc.
- Know what you want to say. If you need to, write a script or write down your key points.
- Discuss it in private. Wait until you are alone with the person you want to talk to, just as you would with any sensitive and/or personal topic. Do not talk about it in a public place.
- Use “I” statements and not “you” statements. It is important that you say how you are feeling, what you have noticed, what you are thinking, etc. Say things such as “I have noticed that”, “I am concerned about”, etc. Avoid putting any focus or blame on the other person, as they may become defensive. Avoid saying things such as “you haven’t been eating”, “you’ve lost/gained a lot of weight”, “you are exercising a lot”, etc.
- Be honest and stick to the truth. State the facts and give specific examples, rather than general statements (e.g. “I noticed you skipped breakfast and lunch for the past week, and I am worried that you’re not eating enough” instead of “you seem to skip breakfast a lot”).
- Avoid making rules or threats. Try to have it as an open-ended conversation, rather than an ultimatum or punishment. For example, do not say “you have to eat breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week” or “if you don’t start eating more, I’ll tell mom about you”.
- Avoid making promises. While it may be tempting to say “I promise not to tell anyone”, that is not necessarily a promise you can or should keep.
- Avoid making simplistic solutions. It is not as simple as saying “just eat” or “just stop it”. An eating disorder requires empathy, understanding, compassion, communication, and more. If you simplify it too much, the person will likely feel misunderstood and that their problem is unimportant/not serious.
- Be prepared for a negative reaction. While some people are grateful when others notice that they are struggling, others are in denial and/or do not want help. It is common for people with eating disorders to not want help, as it will likely flip their life around. For example, if the person’s goal is to lose weight and be skinny, receiving help would likely involve changing their way of thinking and gaining weight. If the person reacts negatively, reassure them that you are there for them whenever they need you and that you care about them. You are just concerned for their wellbeing and you just want to be there for them. If they still do not want to talk, you may want to either reach out to someone else for help, or drop the subject and bring it up again another time.
- Be prepared for the person to be in denial. A person may not be aware that they have an eating disorder, or they may just not accept that they have one. If that is the case, they may try to avoid or drop the subject, laugh it off, become frustrated or annoyed, etc.
- Encourage them to talk to someone. Know where they can go for help and let them know their options. As mentioned above, there are helplines, chat lines, forums, and more. They can also reach out to a medical professional, such as their family doctor.
- Be there to support them. You might want to offer to help them call to make an appointment or drive them to their first appointment. You can also offer to lend your ear if they need to talk to someone.
- Remind them why they want to get better. After they have started to get help, encourage them to create a list of reasons why they want to get better. If they ever start to question their recovery or if they begin to lose hope, remind them of all the reasons why they want to get better. Some common reasons include improving their social life, enjoying food again, feeling more in control of their life, feeling more confident, having more free time, etc.
- Do not discuss their weight or appearance. Whether it is a compliment, joke, etc., it is best to stay far away from making any comments on someone’s weight or appearance. You never know why someone may have lost or gained weight, so it is better to just leave the topic alone. If you think someone looks good, just tell them they look good!
- Do not comment on their eating habits. While these types of comments are often out of concern or meant to be a joke, it is a topic best left alone. People often become quite self-conscious about their eating habits, and it is best to not contribute to these thoughts and feelings. For example, if your friend has a big appetite and eats a lot, you do not need to joke about how they are always eating or how they always have room for more.